Sibling Rivalry

Friends or Foes?

With different kids, come different personalities, and with them, the myriad ways in which they can misunderstand each other.  Some brothers and sisters are able to have their little blow-ups and move on.  Others, however, may never learn to get along.  Why does this happen?  Well, there are as many reasons, as there are kids in the world.  We’ll try to explain a few for you, to help you recognize the symptoms, and give you some tips on diffusing sticky situations before, or as, they come up.

The Nature of the Beast
In nature, there are many examples of sibling rivalry that go to the extreme: Baby sharks eat the other babies inside the mother’s womb; eaglets push their weaker siblings out of the nest – all to ensure the best possible chances for survival of the fittest offspring.  With human offspring, the goals are a little different.  Our children compete for the love, attention and approval of their parents, and sometimes, as if it were a life and death struggle.

The Situation
Sometimes, fights will arise out of the simple reason that your children are at different stages of each one’s own development.  A child who has chores may become angry at a sibling who has none.  The fact that parents will try to hand out responsibilities based on ability may be lost on them, and simply deemed as unfair treatment.  Toddlers are learning possession and to assert their will, so touching that child’s things can result in aggressive behavior.  A teenager is learning independence, and may resent anything that keeps them tied to the family unit – like babysitting a younger sibling, when they could be out with their friends instead.

Personalities in Play
Siblings may be similar, but they are definitely not the same!  One child may be shy and quiet, while the next is putting on Broadway shows on your front lawn.  These differences alone can lead to tension.  Clingy, needy, and even special needs children are often perceived by siblings as taking up all the attention that might otherwise be going to them, and jealousy and a belief in favoritism can develop.

Conditioning
How do your children learn to settle differences?  By watching you.  If you and your partner are respectful of each other in disagreements, and use them to work toward a solution or compromise, chances are your children will pick up on that, and use it with each other.  However, if shouting, name-calling, threats, verbal and/or physical violence are what they see, that is the form of conflict resolution they will probably use.

They’re Fighting Again
What should you do?  Three strategies:

• Try not to get involved in the fight. Unless there’s a risk of physical harm.  Children must learn to resolve their differences, and not always rely on you to settle things for them.  Also, you lower the risk of your children seeing you as “taking sides” with one child over the other.  
• “Coach” the fight. If inappropriate language or name-calling occurs, you can coach the children away from the use of power words, and toward words that express what they need from each other.  Help re-focus your children toward finding a resolution, when they get blinded by frustration and anger.  
• If you have to, step in and help resolve the problem with your children: Separate the children until their emotions have died down.  Keep focus away from laying blame. Try to find a compromise that lets both children “win”.

This is the stuff that will help them get along with others for the rest of their lives!  Compromise and negotiation, seeing the world through the eyes of others, and controlling aggressive impulses are all vital skills for success in the modern world. 

What You Can Do
Some effective strategies for avoiding conflict situations before they happen:

• Make the rules. In every household, there are rules.  Keeping them clear, and making them count for everybody, including yourself, will teach your children to be responsible for their actions, no matter how upset they were.  
• Things aren’t always fair. We always want them to be, and when your children are complaining about it, of course you’ll want to single handedly change the universe for them and make it that way!  You’re only human.  Life is imperfect and unfair, and sometimes, you’ve got to be unfair, too.  Children’s needs really do differ! 
• Avoid playing favorites. Make sure you are aware of how much quality time you spend with each child, and give to each of your children as equally as you can.  Most parents will unwittingly favor one child over another, due to similar natural inclinations.  Be pro-active in correcting the imbalance. 
• Allow for alone time. Let kids have time on their own, or with their friends, that doesn’t involve enforced sharing with a sibling.  Out of house play dates for one child are an opportunity to spend one-on-one time with another child. 
• Set schedules for shared items. Anyone who can’t abide by the rules loses privileges.

If any, or all, of these strategies is not helping reduce the problem, it may be time to get outside help.  Talk to your doctor about it, if one or more of the following are true:

• The fighting is leading to marital problems
• There is a real danger of physical harm
• The psychological well-being of a family member is being damaged
• The behavior is so irrational, that it may be related to a psychiatric disorder

A doctor can refer you to the correct resources for counseling or other mental health professionals.